“I’m fine, just busy”

A business woman looks distressed in front of her laptop, her head leaning into her hand

How often have you heard yourself responding this way to the question, “how are you?” 

If you’re like me, this was my answer for such a high percentage of my professional career. My other regular response that got a bit closer to how I was feeling was, “I’m fine, just tired.” 

Are you feeling that we’re kindred spirits and that we’re living similar lives?  I hope not, but am guessing that many of you answered yes.

When was the last time you were one hundred percent honest (at least with yourself) on what the truest answer to the question would be? 

If you’re not sure, stop now and think about what the most truthful answer would be.

What adjective(s) did you use to describe how you are feeling right now?

The Gottman Institute's "feeling wheel," described more below

The Feeling Wheel, developed by Dr. Gloria Willcox with The Gottman Institute, can help us get more specific on how we’re really feeling. The wheel breaks down into six color-based feeling families – Sad, Mad, Scared, Joyful, Powerful, and Peaceful. Guess what? Nowhere on the wheel is there a selection of “I’m fine or I’m tired.” Playing with this wheel gives us the power to get much more articulate about how we’re feeling and potentially what would allow us to move into some of the more positive feeling families (Joyful, Powerful, and Peaceful) if we’re not already there.  Are you actually feeling bewildered or frustrated or inadequate, not busy or fine?

If you’re stuck in the constant cycle of always feeling busy and tired, it’s time to consider what the root causes are and how they can be addressed. Some likely root causes:

  • Wanting to do it all, right now, at 100% and by yourself

  • Saying yes to everything and not saying no often enough

  • Not being clear on your priorities/being unwilling or unable to reprioritize

  • Not knowing who can help – to whom work can be delegated, approval to shift priorities, who to get guidance from

If any of these root causes resonate with you, it’s time to do some deeper work on figuring out why these are true statements for you.  What is triggering you to feel like you can’t say no or can’t delegate or can’t ask for confirmation on priorities? When was the last time you spoke to someone about the challenges you were facing, starting with admitting to yourself that this might not be the way you want to keep living your life?

You can’t move away from always feeling busy and tired until you start examining the reasons why and then acknowledging what you have control over changing. Maybe there’s not a lot that you can change right away on your own, but it’s important to start somewhere. Often, the first step is to say “Enough” in three different ways: 

  1. “Who I am is enough right now.”

  2. “What I’m doing is enough right now.”

  3. “I’ve had enough of feeling this way right now.”

When we go through life always busy and tired, we often miss out on the highlights of the journey. We’re just trying to get done as much as we can and as fast as we can. We’re racing past the beauty of the still moments and of just being.  We miss out on appreciating all that is happening around us.

Is it time to pause and reevaluate how you want your life to be lived?   Ask yourself these three questions:

  1. What is the right pace for me during this chapter of my life?

  2. What is the set of feelings I want to experience in my daily life?

  3. What will need to change to make those things true?

I know I don't want my answer to the question, "how are you doing?" to be "I'm fine" or "just tired."  I want to use adjectives like energetic, hopeful, and content so I'm on my own journey to spend more of my personal and professional time in the Joyful, Powerful, and Peaceful parts of the Feeling Wheel.

If this post resonated with you, and you want to understand how coaching can support you, I'd love to talk with you

** These perspectives are focused on when you’re not going through a specific difficult time (change in family status, medical or family crisis, etc.).

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